Those deconstructive thoughts will never get you anywhere except further into the place you don't want to be. The more you feed the beast that is darkness, the more darkness will swallow you whole.
I had given up on the fight for normalcy, and instead, his abnormalcy became my new 'normal.' He became the bland, crumbly part of my life that sustained my broken love tank. Those crackers became the staple that got me through many nights of crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor; keeping me from starving myself out of pity. They both became the bare minimum that was my life.
We might not have anywhere to go today, no family to be welcomed to, no big expensive fancy gifts to brag about, but we have all that we need. We have each other, we have love, and we have the kindness and support from so many people who are virtually near while remaining physically far.
But one thing I really have trouble processing, is people forming opinions without the basis of information (or even the desire to have that information). They go through life making judgements of people, places, or things, based on their emotions, rather than facts. This is reinforced by their belief that everything is black and white, right or wrong, all or nothing. This is called polarized thinking and it is a cognitive thinking distortion.
Fear is a form of control, and it's the perfect way for someone to dictate your life even from afar. Your abuser knows what scares you, he/she knows how to work you. He knows the one tiny thing that can send you into panic mode- even though it's so small, others won't take it seriously. He knows how to use fear to make you feel crazy; absolutely crazy, as if all discretion is gone and you don't know right from left.
It's a real eye opener to realize that the love you are so used to, wasn't love at all. But it was torture wrapped in lust. It was infatuation surrounding hell. It was turmoil disguised as passion. But that's why we stuck around for so long, right? Because our abusers pulled the wool over our eyes. Because they were bad at what we needed, but good at what they did: