To the Man Trying to Love Me

To the man trying to love me:

To the man trying to love me after I’ve been through so much: I’m sorry.

I’ve been through so much that sometimes it’s hard to decipher what is real and what is not. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, and controlled. I’ve been gaslighted. Abused:

Physically.
Emotionally.
Psychologically.
Sexually.
Financially.

Excruciatingly.

I know this trauma isn’t yours, it’s mine.. but now because you love me, you have to feel it too.

You feel it when I cry for no reason.

You feel it when I refuse to admit my wrongs.

You feel it when I’m quick to anger.

You feel it when I dissociate and forget everything.

I have a hard time telling left from right; HE was controlling, so are you too? HE was abusive, are you trying to be too? HE was a liar, are you too?

It isn’t your fault and you are not to blame.. but sometimes, my PTSD makes me see HIM instead of you. I forget who I’m talking to. I’m not talking to my loving spouse anymore.. I’m fighting with my abusive ex.

I’m in fight or flight mode.

I’m in stubborn and prideful mode.

I’m in “no man will ever do me wrong again” mode.

I am so sorry.

Because of this, when you are being constructive.. I confuse it for DEstructive. When you want to work on things, I feel attacked. When you tell me how you feel, I feel attacked. When you get mad, I feel attacked.

I feel attacked when you imply that I am anything other than perfect.. because I tried so hard to be perfect for HIM.. and I was never enough.

I just want to be enough.

But as time goes on and I realize how much I’m hurting you, I’m realizing that it’s not YOU I want to be enough for.

I want to be enough for me.. Because I’ve been so beaten down before.

I want to be enough for myself; happy with myself, proud of myself, and loving myself. And right now I’m just.. not myself.

I know you can’t properly love me until I can do this for myself.

To the man trying to love me: I’m sorry.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me that I am lovable.

But it’s hard trying to believe you.

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