"It wouldn't stop until I would break and say sorry. But I was always so stubborn.. I tried to hold onto my dignity for as long as I could after he tried to strip me of it. I would refuse to say sorry, I would refuse to beg him for forgiveness. Because I don't beg for things I don't need."
With that said, I am in the middle of reconstructing my blog and online presence to allow for more content & connection with those who enjoy my writing. Reflecting on my experiences through writing is something that has allowed me to cope with tough situations. And my logic now, is that maybe by publishing my thoughts.. other women who are walking that same line can feel a sense of comfort and understanding, too.
Now, take a deep breath; and imagine just the opposite. Two years have gone by and your life has changed in ways you never could have imagined. Your heart has healed. Your mental and emotional health is accounted for. There's a man in your life who reminds you just how loyal, loving, passionate, and driven you are. He encourages your self-improvement and pours himself into you daily. His family and friends have stepped up and offered their resources, things they were never obligated to do (but that's just the kind of people they are). You have accepted help when it was hard, and, in turn.. gained a higher sense of respect and humility.
I hope he forgets those moments when mom falls apart because it's hard to do everything herself, but remembers how strong she was because she always got it done.
This journey with you has been the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching one; but I know someday we'll look back and smile. I'm so thankful for you and your steadfast faith that everything will always be okay.
No matter how you became a mom, how things have changed since, how much help you have or how little you get.. take pride in your work as a mom today. There is no other love in the world like the kind that your children have for you. And as much as I'd like a break (and vacation too), I will never find a love so true.
Parents: splits and break-ups and divorces are hard on all of us.. but just imagine how these little kids feel. They don't understand why Mom and Dad can't get along; they don't understand why Dad can't come around Mom; they don't understand why they have to go to a random public place to sit in a room alone with the parent they've only seen a handful of times recently. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. And they shouldn't have to.
But trust me when I say, that the love you may find after losing yourself to someone who didn't truly love you, will make you realize why it was never supposed to work with anyone else. And that.. is the beauty of breaking the cycle.
I felt more connected in that moment than I ever have in my entire life. In the midst of tears, my eyes finally closed and my head finally bowed and the background scuffle of life finally silenced. For a moment, it was just you, me, and Him. It was a weightless feeling, a vulnerable feeling, but most importantly: a surrendering feeling.
The moral to this story: it's okay to need help. It's okay to need extra care. For someone who absolutely despises needing any interventions at all from anybody, this has been a major struggle for me.. but I'm realizing that it's all in my head. I have created a power struggle between myself, and myself. The 'me' that wants to be happy and healthy and the 'me' who has grown comfortable with toxicity and mania.